Coffee

So let me ask you this: is it impossible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee anymore in this country? Huh? What happened to coffee? Did I miss a fucking meeting with the coffee? Huh? You can get every other flavor except coffee-flavored coffee. They got mochaccino, they got chocaccino, frapaccino, capuccino, rapaccino, alpaccino, WHAT THE FUCK?! www.what-the-fuck.com!

I walked into a Starbucks about a year ago, little kid behind the counter. I go, "Yeah, give me a regular." "A regular what?" "Coffee." "What flavor?" "Coffee-flavored coffee." I'll stick that menu right up your ass, kid! Menu... coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup, that's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup, that's it!

You been to Dunkin' Donuts lately? The last bastion of coffee-flavored coffee? It's gone, forget about it. You walk in there now, there's people wearing berets, they're writing poetry on computers. There's a kid behind the counter, "Would you like a cafe colada?" Fuck no! www.blow-me.com! Cafe colada... what the hell's that about? When I was a kid, Dunkin' Donuts had two things: coffee, and donuts, and that was it! You took the donut, you dunked it in the coffee, thus the fucking title of the place! Dunkiiiin Donuts! That's all they had, donuts and coffee, nothing else. They had no ice, no napkins, no soda, no salt, no pepper... no quaso, NOTHING! You walk in there now, there's soup flyin' around, people are eating finger sandwiches... they got the donuts on display in a case, like relics from a former era, you know? "Here's what we used to serve. We used to fry 'em up and sell 'em by the dozen, back in the seventies." God almighty...

And you can't smoke in any of these coffee places. Can't smoke in Starbucks, can't smoke in Joe Bar, can't smoke in Dunkin'... what the hell is this? I'm pretty sure that coffee was invented by guys who were sittin' around smokin' anyways, right? And they just wanted to drink something that would let them stay up late and smoke fucking more! That's my theory. Just ask me or Columbo, he'll back me up on this one. "Peter Faulk and Denis Leary walked into a Starbucks today and shot twenty-seven people, without any announcement whatsoever."

I actually gave the coffee up for a while, it reached that point with me. I said, "You know what, I'm not going to have a heart attack in front of some eighteen-year-old Haiku-writin' motherfucker, in a Starbucks, okay? It's just not gonna happen." That would be just my luck... "He just came in here, and he was yelling at me about coffee-flavored coffee, whatever the hell that is. Then he called me a Haiku-writing motherfucker! I'm glad he's dead, I really am." So I gave it up. In the morning, I would suck down two Cokes, back-to-back, to get that caffeine jolt, right?