Rehab

We did it all. We did it all. We did whatever we could get our hands on back in the seventies. We did fucking handfuls of mushrooms, pills, ludes, coke, whatever it was, we just fucking swallowed it, okay? That's what we did! People go, "Well why didn't you go into rehab?" We didn't have rehab back in the seventies. Back in the seventies rehab meant you'd stop doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks, you know? "Yeah, give me a case of Budweiser and an ounce. I gotta slow down. Jesus Christ! I'm outta control. Look at the size of my pants, for Christ's sake!"

Because that's the big thing now. Rehab is the big fucking secret now. Isn't it, huh? Yeah, you can do whatever you want. Just go into rehab and solve your problems. Isn't that the big celebrity thing? That's what I'm gonna do. Yeah, I'm gonna get famous. Then my career starts to flag, I'm gonna go on a three month fucking bender, okay? Coke, and fucking pot, and smack, and fucking booze, and drive over people, and beat up my kids, go into therapy, go into rehab, come outta rehab, be on the cover of People Magazine, "Sorry! I fucked up!"

That's what they do, man. They go into rehab and they come out and they blame everybody except themselves. They blame their parents, right? That's the way. Everybody comes from a dysfunctional family all of the sudden, huh? Roseanne Barr comes from a dysfunctional family? Not Roseanne! She seems so normal to me! The Jacksons were dysfunctional? Not the Jacksons! These people give each other new heads for Christmas, for Christ's sake! I am sick and tired of hearing that fucking speech, you know?

These people come out of rehab, they always have the same story. "Well, you know, I became an alcoholic because my parents didn't love me enough. And then I became a junkie because my parents didn't love me enough. And I went into hypnosis in therapy and I found out that parents used to hit me--" Hey! My parents used to beat the living shit out of me, okay? And looking back on it, I'm glad they did! And I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my kids, aren't you? For no reason whatsoever. "What'd you hit me for?" "Shut up and get out there and mow the lawn, for Christ's sake!" There's therapy for you! Mowing the lawn and crying at the same time. (whining) "The Leary kid's in therapy again. Their lawn looks great, it's unbelievable!" God...

"I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy because my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would." Hey, join the fucking club, okay? I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox. Life sucks, get a fucking helmet, all right?